Camp HappyBadFun!

What Women REALLY Want

Mean Mr. Mustard provoked some very intriguing thought stemming from a therapist who suggested that the majority of men think the most important and reassuring thing they could express to a woman is "You're the one I love." She contends that what women really want from a relationship is to know "You're the one I'm going to take care of."

Not having the benefit of having heard this woman define “take care of”, for the sake of argument, I’m going to assume that she’s implying that a woman’s primary concern is for her welfare and security. If that’s the case, this woman has dug a little too far and exposed basic human instincts rather than the unique heart of a woman.

My belief is that there are 4 things that motivate the feminine heart and that is either affirmed or devalued by the men (fathers, brothers, friends as well as boyfriends, husbands) in her life.

First, I think a woman wants to know that she is beautiful. All you have to do is look around you to see that this desire for beauty is an ever present concern. What’s so sad is that the entertainment industry has exploited, redefined, perverted and held beauty at a standard so unrealistic that most women end up feeling dumpy and inadequate because they don’t look like Catherine Zeta Jones and never will.

But think back, if you’re a woman, to the fairy tales of your youth. Think back to stories like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast, Snow White and ask yourself, “Who did I identify with in these stories?” I daresay there would be very few who daydreamed about being the wicked step-mother or the evil witch. No, every one of us dreamed about being the heroine….the beauty, because that is how we saw ourselves when our desires were still pure and uncensored. The question our heart asks to this day is, “Am I beautiful?”

I have a friend who, at age 39 and 5 kids later, can still make a room come to a screeching halt the moment she walks through the door. If she wasn’t so incredibly sweet and funny, I’d be tempted to hate her. She’s just that beautiful. She’s also in a miserable marriage with a man who barely notices she’s alive let alone breathtakingly beautiful. My friend, for all her smiles and kindness, exudes sadness to the depth of her core and the question her clothes, makeup and hair asks is “Am I beautiful?”

I have another friend blessed with all daughters. Her girls were brushing their hair and putting on pretend makeup and wearing princess costumes right about the same age my boys were making guns out of their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Nobody taught them to do it; it was in them.

And don’t think I’m implying that every woman is obsessed with the desire to be drop-dead gorgeous. Despite Hollywood’s best efforts, most women have retained their sense of self and recognize the desire to be loved for our entire being, not just the parts that can be seen. In other words, we’re not that shallow no matter what they try to tell us.

I think what we really want is to captivate the man we love with the beauty that comes from our minds, from our souls, and, yes, from our bodies as imperfect and ever-changing as they are. A woman wants to know that there’s no other woman who moves his heart the way she does. We want to know that we are completely and utterly lovely to him.

(I think the biggest question we women need to ask ourselves is if we are ok with that. Have we reacted in a knee-jerk way to both the feminist movement and the Hollywood hype? I hope not. I hope we can be comfortable with wanting to be beautiful as well as smart and competent because it really is ok.)

Second, and I think this one is much more ambiguous—a woman wants to be fought for. I’m not talking about the cheap bar-room brawl kind of fight spurred by the kind of guys Britney Spears would marry, nor am I talking about the Hollywood version of the brawny man rescuing the damsel in distress who has tripped over her own feet because she’s just that stupid as the monster or bad guy descends up her. I despise both of those insulting scenarios.

What I’m talking about is the heroic and masculine heart that fights for a woman’s heart. I’m talking about the man who moves across country so his wife can pursue the job she’s always dreamed of. I’m talking about the guy who doesn’t let her get away with saying “Nothing” when asked, “What’s wrong, honey?” I’m talking about the man who values her heart and valiantly protects it against anything that would seek to imprison it.

Similarly, I think a woman also wants to be pursued; she wants to be a priority. She wants to be wanted. Here’s the catch, guys, so pay attention: We’re not going to tell you we want you to pursue us—that would defeat the purpose--but we will create opportunities for you to run after us. NEVER take “Nothing’s wrong” for the answer to your “What’s wrong?” unless she smiles, gives you a kiss and then says it. She wants you to pursue her!!! She wants you to run after her! And this extends beyond the bounds of marriage or a romantic relationship; this extends into every significant relationship a woman has with a man, be it her father, brother, son, friend—a woman wants to know she’s valued enough to pursue.

Lastly, I think women want an adventure to share. So often, men make the mistake of thinking the woman is the adventure. They could not be more wrong. Don’t make us the adventure; we already know that story and it's too small. Take us into something bigger than ourselves—take us to a place where we can be strong and part of the adventure.

I love Eowyn in Lord of the Rings—she longed to rescue her people—she longed to fight for them, but because she was a woman, she was not allowed to fight. One man saw the warrior in her, and cherished it. And because of that, he was loved by that most noble of women.

Posted by PamCHBF at August 10, 2005 11:31 AM | TrackBack